Sunday, July 03, 2005

The Sadness.

I was unnaturally quiet during dinner and my dad couldn't help but notice. I sat across him at the restaurant where we ate. While waiting for our food, I was reading Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides To Die out of boredom. "Bakit parang matamlay baby ko?" I was still sleepy, I told him. He told me I should have slept early last night... I just smiled. He borrowed the book and started reading the cover, probably bothered by the title. He was probably wondering why I was reading such a book. Well, dad it's just a title. I'll tell you all about it when I finish reading it. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything, don't worry. I love you.

I was still quiet. Absorbed in my own world which, at that time, was the food on my plate. Sisig. I know it was not the right time to think about life but there I was, lured by the circumstances. I cannot fight them anymore. I have proven myself weak. The details, well, nobody needs to know. Why was I "matamlay"?

1.Let's just say I am torn between two things I really want and I cannot make a choice because of...
2. I still don't know what to do with my life. I do not believe I'll end up successful. I have my reasons. Once again, you don't have to know.
3. People are evil. Before stepping into college and staying in Manila, I still believed that there are many good people. I guess I was just so wrong. People are angry. People are mean. Talk about culture shock. You cannot trust anybody completely. Well, I guess that' s how life works. I just wish I'd known it sooner.
4. Once again, one bad thing happened to one good person. Of all people, why her? She did not do anything wrong... she always did everything right. She doesn't deserve it. You should know that. Of all beings, it is You who should know that. I'm not complaining why bad things happen to me, not anymore. I know my place. Again I ask, why her?
5. Actors. Not the ones in the movies. Real life actors. Sadly, I have no choice but to be one of them for now.
6. Hari ng Sablay. Prinsepe ng Sablay. Sablay. They make me real, real sad.
7. I do not have time for myself anymore. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, my class is not until 1620H. I wake up early to report. I go back home and enjoy being alone for a change. I think during these times. I let the silence trace me. Then the doorbell rings and in comes a visitor. Once again, unexpected. So my YM stat shifts from "quiet time mode" to "naudlot nanaman quiet time ko". I am desperate for quiet time.
8. Him. He makes me sad. Yes, just seeing him makes me happy but still, he makes me sad.
9. I'm broke. Period.
10. Lastly, the Goo Goo Dolls make me sad. I do not know why. They just do... and I love it.

Beautiful song. Please read the lyrics.

"Name" by Goo Goo Dolls

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
... extra+rice || 10:29 PM